The Beginning of the End of My Perfectionism (How I Learned to Let Go)
This is the story of how grad school kicked my inner perfectionist's ass, steps I took while learning to let go, and why I am so grateful today for these bonus lessons learned...
Have you spent hours making changes to get something "just right" even though others would say it's good enough? Does it frustrate you when people suggest you lower your standards? Do loved ones call you a perfectionist? Keep reading.
Hello, my name is Heather. I am a recovering perfectionist.
Not that many years ago, no one at my parties could relax because I was rushing around cleaning up after people and chasing them with coasters. What kind of manic clean-freak host like this could possibly be fun to be around? I wasn't. I didn't know how to just be there WITH my guests, enjoying each others' company. I was too consumed with trying to be the perfect hostess to see that it was uncomfortable for my guests... Fortunately, I've evolved since then! Today, I've let many perfectionist habits go. I am actually pretty easy-going and I can laugh things off like I never used to. I am MUCH happier! Wanna know how I did it?
I had to learn to let things go.
If you're reading this and thinking "but I don't know how to really relax!!" or "I WANT to let things go, but I can't seem to..." or "I'm terrified I'll let myself go and be a slacker" or "Why should I relax my high standards; am I really asking too much?" then this story is for you.
I too was terrified of letting the little things go...like somehow if I allowed myself out of the house with chipped nail polish or a hair out of place, it could lead to bigger, badder things because I would spiral out of control. What if I didn't keep things totally neat, tidy, and organized, and life would get away from me and I would wake up one day in a dirty house, having turned into a total SLOB, and a loser? I remember saying things like this and feeling horrified at the thought of being one of those people who just don't care.
What a waste of a powerful imagination!
One priceless lesson I learned is that there is middle ground. Not everything is black OR white, right OR wrong. There are always options and spectrums...
So, did I turn into a total slob after letting things go? Nope. Is everything all organized in my business 100% of the time? Nope. I learned how to prioritize better. Not everything is important! BONUS: I don't stress out about perfect housekeeping...it doesn't bother me that I would want an hour to tidy up and clean the bathroom if someone were coming over. I know that my time & energy are better used toward something with meaning - enriching other people's lives, or recovering from a busy week, or having fun with family.
These days, I am very intentional about what I let go and what I don't (most of the time! Hey, I'm not perfect! heh heh...) And now I can say with raw honesty that I don't even want to be perfect.
I would much rather be approachable and inspiring than intimidating or seen as stuck up.
Several years ago, I started to notice that people were saying things like "I had put you on a pedestal & thought you never made mistakes. It's nice to know that you are human." Really? I was pretty gutted when I realized that MY internal perfectionist crap was poisoning all my interactions with clients, prospects, friends, and loved ones. They respected me but I was losing real connection with them because I was missing the confidence to be "human" in front of others. To show my imperfections without embarrassment, to be secure enough in my own skin to admit when I made mistakes or didn't have the answers or did something stupid. (See also Is Your Perfectionism a Turn-Off?) I laugh at myself and my foibles almost every day now. I have fun! And -- I am also more effective. #Woo-Hoo!
I still get things done and am very results-oriented, but I don't get so worked up about all the things I used to.
I have discovered a ton on my trip from constantly judging myself critically, never feeling satisfied, needing to prove my worth as a winner ---to--- blissful achiever who can go with the flow, relaxed and joyful. I love sharing these discoveries with my clients and seeing them happily winning too!
"No one at my parties could relax because I was rushing around chasing them with coasters!" Here's how I learned to overcome perfectionism...
I can look back now and see how I was constantly making things harder for myself, living in a state of chronic frustration. I thought I was happy, mostly. However...
I was not at peace about anything in my life because I was constantly expecting more and more and more of myself, and of others.
Do you know how this feels?
There are many things I did to get to this point, but what started my transition into happily imperfect was a situation where I had reached a breaking point.
Let me tell you about the beginning of the end of my perfectionism...
It was during a corporate career when I was working a lot of hours and travelling quite a bit that I decided I would also take on grad school (ha- can you see the signs of a perfectionist achiever yet?). I took me 3 years to finish and I earned my Master's in Business Administration in 2006 (and started Envision Success Inc later that same year!).
I remember telling clients years later about how this period of my life "damned near killed me." and forced me to successfully let some stuff go. I was so tired during that time, working and travelling and studying, and at my wits' end. I admitted I could no longer continue operating with my old habits that had led me to success.
To get all the coursework done, I started taking lunch breaks, whereas before I would just eat at my desk. I found creative ways to study for exams while on the treadmill because otherwise I wasn't justifying the time to exercise like I wanted. I stopped "correcting" things others had done as often (which I can guarantee my husband is glad about). A great example is re-folding the towels in the linen closet so they hang "properly" over the towel bars.
Are you disgusted or are you nodding along with me?! Have you tried making changes like these? At first it seems really hard - until you see things differently, and try alternate ways of doing things. You hate to admit it, but you're NOT always right and there is not only ONE way. UGH, I know!
I stopped worrying about folding or hanging the clean laundry at all, and allowed myself to enjoy the fact that the laundry was clean! The most notable change came from a massive epiphany. As I was looking at which activities could go, where I could save time, what I could live with and what I couldn't let go...I made a decision that was quite difficult for me at the time (which is kind of embarrassing to admit now!): I reasoned that because with grad school my grades didn't matter beyond passing, I would need to reduce my coursework effort from a level of "A+" grading to something like "B." I share this not to brag about my grades- I learned to be an A student because it was one of the many ways I was perpetually trying to get my dad to say he loved me and was proud of me (it didn't work...but later in life I was pleased that at least I learned how to achieve goals).
It REALLY bothered me to let slip, but I forced myself to dial back my efforts in my courses and turned in what I felt was sub-standard work. Over those months, I had to continually remind myself that I made this decision and I needed to learn to be OK with the consequences. The craziest thing happened...
This unexpected outcome changed me forever!
Despite turning in "half-assed" work, I was receiving top grades. Still A+ marks. Here's the thing...even if I had received B or C grades, I would have passed, I still would have an MBA, and I still would have the same general learning experience. And no one would care. BUT something even better happened! In case my big Whoa Nelly epiphany wasn't uber-clear, let me spell this out: I put quite a bit less time and effort (and stress) into my work and still was graded at the top of my classes. How could less work have No Negative Consequences!? What I realized is that the extra effort I had been making was above and beyond the instructors expectations.
The blood was whooshing in my ears as the enormous implications took shape in my mind.
I thought back over the years...scores of examples floated through my memory. It dawned on me that essentially, what had cost me so much in missed life experiences had possibly gained me NOTHING noteworthy.
I use Pareto's Law (the 80/20 rule) to guide me away from the time-wasting traps of perfectionism. Because as a perfectionist, you can easily spend 80% of your time and effort on the final 20% attempting to attain 100% perfection (writing email), when 80% would be "good enough" and would have taken only 20% of the time and effort.
Do you see the immense value in learning this lesson? At first I was torn between feeling angry regret and welcoming gleeful enlightenment. Eventually I got used to the idea that we are all using different measuring sticks, or scales for grading.
Realizing that I could still win without as much pushing from the harsh inner critic was a turning point, and over time I've validated this again and again and again.
It is downright liberating! Add to that my growing ability to appreciate BEING in the moment, and relishing what I have, and not always DOING, chasing something I haven't accomplished yet...
Now you begin to see how I learned to allow myself happiness and peace daily.
Share the love!
Are you holding your happiness hostage until you achieve "perfection?"
Where in your life have you realized that people are operating with different measuring sticks? Imagine what it might be like to put in less effort and anxiety, without any negative consequences...
It's time to learn how to relax and let go! Try any of these today, and another one tomorrow:
- Use Pareto's law to your benefit on your next project by quickly working to 80% of your old high standard. Get feedback from someone you trust as to whether it's good enough. (If more productivity tips would help, you'll like this.)
- Identify something that only you seem to care about. Try letting go of it, at least partway, for a period of time. Observe what happens.
- Choose someone in your life who you want to just BE with, and make it happen - make a date. Even if it's just for 15 minutes, focus on being fully present for them (not worrying about how you look, what's next on your calendar, what you're going to say, etc...).
- Don't check email one night this week and do something fun that your inner perfectionist might think is rebellious!
- The next time you feel your tough inner critic pushing you, ask yourself what happens if you don't listen to it. (Channel your best friend or mom if needed. If you're feeling stuck, you'll love this technique or this option )
- Look for areas in your life where you are most frustrated and consider if you're doing far more than is actually needed.
- Ask people to clarify exactly what (and when) they are expecting from you, looking for ways to make less effort with the same or better results.
- Consider investing in expertise so you don't struggle through this transition alone. Curious how I can help you? Discover what's it's like to work with me.
In the spirit of love and moxie,
