When I think of death (mine), I realize that it isn’t actually the life-leaving-my-body-thing that I’m afraid of. I’ve always felt lucky to not have so many of the fears other people seem to have. I’m a pretty tough cookie, I’ve seen life and death, I’ve known pain, I’ve survived personal traumas. I’m not afraid of snakes or mice or fire or speaking onstage. The tangible, normal-life thing I am afraid of: spiders. (I know, it’s ridiculous to fear something so tiny!) But…
What I am REALLY afraid of is my physical life ending before I have accomplished more.
I fear not the act of death, but of NOT ACTING ENOUGH before it comes. Having a pile of lost opportunities. Not saying “I love you” enough, not having enough physical experiences that touch my soul and expand me as a person. Yes, those things.
But wait, there’s more. On top of all that desire to be and do more, I feel a strong obligation, an inner drive that won’t let me go, a pulse toward something far bigger than myself and my little life. Do ya feel me?
You know what I’m talking about because you have it too, don’t you?
I am most afraid that I won’t make a big enough difference in the world before my time is up. Most people don’t talk about this strong drive, so it can feel like a lonely (crazy?) quest. Yet, you and I are not alone. Sadly, very few have the courage to acknowledge this inner knowing and then to rise to the challenge. The little monkeys in our heads keep us in “the familiarity zone” where we aren’t really comfortable, but we don’t want people judging us, thinking we think we are better than them. “What if I fail? Waaah…”
Ha! That’s a load of crap. Maybe it’s made up of many, many thin layers of shit that we grew up believing about our Self and our place in the world. Think of the people you most revere. Did they let those layers hold them back? Maybe sometimes, but they scraped them off and shone a little brighter every time they went for it.
Quit making excuses. Shed off a layer of crap right now!
What has been calling you that you’ve denied? What challenge would you rise to, given all the time, money, and energy needed? If that desire is coming from a deep internal reservoir that you’ve been pretending isn’t there–it’s time to let it feel a little sunlight and see what happens.
Confession: I have known my purpose for 9 years!! I have been scraping off the layers of bullshit for the past 8 months. (What took me so long? Besides self-judging and courage-building? Ask me sometime and I’ll tell you.)
NOW I’m living it. And damn, it feels good.
xoxo, Heather
