Stop SHOULDing All Over Yourself

If you've been feeling defeated, frustrated, or guilty from little failures sprinkled throughout your day...this post can help you release the pressure, get more done, and enjoy life more.

Have you ever been sucked into a guilt-bomb like these?

• Running 1 minute late to a meeting and silently berating yourself (for something like taking a little more care sending an email before you left, or being irritated because if you hadn't drunk so much water and coffee, you wouldn't have needed to hit the bathroom again before heading to the meeting)
• Forgetting to include that little extra in your child's lunch (I mean, really...you had the brilliant idea but then you blew it on the follow-through)
• Taken work home and planned it all out how you were going to get through a stack of files, clear the email Inbox, fix a luscious meal, walk the dog, watch your show with one amazing glass of [insert beverage here], take a hot bath, and still get to bed by X o'clock, only to have things unfold COMPLETELY differently (then you're feeling a smidgen bitter 3 days later 'cause you're still catching up on the "perfect night list" that would have helped the rest of the week flow better)
• Or a million similar scenarios...

Every single one of these was precipitated by at least one SHOULD that you put in play, and teed yourself up perfectly for failure.  

You didn't do it purposefully, but you've accidentally shamed yourself into going after perfection and then beat yourself up when you didn't hit the mark.

I know well the feelings of going for "best case scenario," the spark of challenge and optimism that can spring from what we say to ourselves - like "if I really get my shit together and don't let myself get distracted, I can get 3 days of stuff done in 4 hours,  and Whew! THAT will feel amazing!!!" What we didn't actually say but what is lurking underneath is: [I will be worthy of love and praise].  I suspect that all of us, especially those who are Recovering Perfectionists and Control Freaks Who Are Learning to Let Go... tend to go through cycles of proving ourselves through performance at high level, alternating with an understanding that we are actually good enough already and don't need to keep pushing so hard. 

It's exasperating.

You want to learn to relax and be kind to yourself, but you're afraid to lose your edge in business or your drive to succeed, or your discipline. 

You want to be free and easy and love yourself (and others) with more depth and not care SO MUCH about all the details.  You want to be more like your friend or sister or cousin in these ways, but you don't want to be seen as flaky or unprofessional, or too hippy, or vulnerable.  You still want to look put together and stay on track.  How can you have it all?

It's exhausting.

How can we learn to let go, just enough to thrive?

You don't know how to let the hard, prickly, mean parts of yourself soften without going too far into the lazy, blase, or woo-woo.  Those things terrify you so you keep pushing yourself and others to perform at a higher level.  So you've fallen into the trap of SHOULDing all over yourself.  (You subscribe all too often to "I should do this, and that," and "I should have done it better, differently, or not at all," etc... Ad nauseum.)

I fell into this trap myself.  A total hard-core A-type person, a little over 15 years ago, at the highest level in my professional success up to that point, I was chronically frustrated.  

I recognized that I had so many things to appreciate but I could only see hundreds of "needs improvement" signs regarding myself, my body, my work, my marriage, and in every area of my life.  

THANK GOD, SOMETHING SHIFTED ONE DAY.  

I was tired of feeling this way, and I consciously made the decision to learn to be a happier person. I started by changing how I talked about myself and to myself.  It was rough at first, but I kept making the effort to frame things more positively.  Things like "Oh no!  I'm getting sick. I should have been more careful" became "I am a healthy person" --and in many other small and subtle ways I completely changed my outlook on life, my interactions with others, and happy became more normal.  Today people often remark that I'm one of the happiest people they know.  Do I still say things to myself that are less than optimal?  Hell yes.  I am human. I am still learning and growing and healing some scars from earlier life.  But. Now...I AM TRULY HAPPY!

What if you could set the bar high (just not out of reach) and enjoy life more?

7 ways to let go and start feeling happier NOW:

Share with me your RESULTS from using these:  I want to hear your story and how you are happier without so many shoulds!  Post in the blog comments below or tag me on social.

Heather