While chatting with another woman owner, up came the topic of how most of us achiever-type women (and many men) have a kind of conditioning of “Never Show Weakness”. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows living this way! It’s too much pressure to keep up a facade of toughness, plus we know what happens over time: in addition to the occasional embarrassing meltdown, we have poor health, severed relationships, end-of-life regrets, and a whole lot of other crap to look forward to. All of which we might be able to avoid by dialing it down a notch. It took me about 35 years to figure this out (and another 8+ years to start overcoming it).
Being tough with myself now means being true to myself and letting go of the shit that doesn’t really matter.
Starting in grade school, I was marching through life living up to my dad’s voice chiding me to “Toughen Up, Buttercup.” In his defense, he meant well. His brand of tough love was designed to ensure my true self reliance. Mission accomplished. Unfortunately when I applied it to myself, I left out the love.
I’ve learned a few things so far about shifting from just tough to tough love:
1. I no longer judge myself so harshly.
At one point, I realized I don’t even use the same scale when comparing my “failures” to others “little mishaps.” I was making erroneous assumptions about how much better they did or how much worse I did. Also, I finally saw that constantly comparing myself to a mythical truly perfect performance is idiotic because I can never hit the mark!!
Now I am capable of taking a step back when needed, and pouring a huge bucket of reality on any blazing self-recrimination. I consider that if I were giving someone else advice about how to respond in the same situation, what would I say? Then, I seek to apply that to myself (more kindness, less kick-in-the-pants). Hardly ever is this easy. If I can’t do this by myself, I talk to someone I trust to help me see things more clearly.
2. I’ve embraced the fact that other people respect (and like) me more when I have flaws.
I know, right- it’s ironic!
After accidentally molding myself into a corporate robot in my 20’s, and later hearing people found me intimidating (among other things), I’ve worked to make sure people see the real me. Human: quirky, nerdy, and vulnerable- in public too.
3. I have mostly resolved “But, if I relax, I’ll be seen as lazy or stupid!”
I knew I had to quit holding on to the excuse that my Never Show Weakness belief-set was what was motivating me to perform at a higher level. It only SEEMED that way. Getting everything right all the time is NOT possible, and when we are too “tough” to accept any hint of weakness, and be more open to all options, we unknowingly make it more likely for failure to occur. I found this quite difficult to accept and implement.
4. I have happily experienced the benefits of asking for help.
In talking with a lot of women business owners, this is something many wish they did earlier in their careers. It has taken me some real emotional growth to be able to say, “Hey, I could really use your help. What do you think about…? Can I ask you a favor?” *I still need to remind myself sometimes that we all like helping others!*
5. I am aware that constant tension leads to chronic aches and pains.
My intensity for constant progress is both a blessing and a curse. I had to acknowledge that my lifelong pattern of “GO-GO-GO-GO-Crash!” isn’t that great. I don’t relax well (I’ve never understood how my husband can sleep practically anywhere, like a very loud movie theatre). I’ve worked on this a LOT over the past decade. Now I take afternoon naps when I need to relax, recover, or renew. If needed, I make it a goal to track (yep, I do!). I also now accept (most of the time) that gentle activity does not equal half-assed in my “exercise” category.
6. I admit that I don’t have it all figured out.
I continue to learn the art of balancing self-drive and self-care. But in business, I believe we need to shift the idea of what we see as weakness, and what we see as strength in our fellow leaders. Showing up as one’s REAL self is a hell of a lot more scary than hiding behind a strategic shell.
We all benefit from laughing at ourselves and sharing experiences with others so we all know we are not alone in our struggles and triumphs.
Please share your comments! What have been your toughest hurdles with “Never Show Weakness,” and what’s working for you now?